Things In Common Vs. Moving In A Common Direction
Epiphanies Personal DevelopmentPublished November 30, 2007 at 9:24 pm No Comments
Many of the articles I write on this site will delve deeply into my thoughts on certain topics of controversy, conflicting emotions and progressive insight. One common thread with these articles is that they will pit two prevailing ideas against each other and I will defend the one I believe to be the better way. I’m not going to apologize for any of the views I express here, but if you have any disagreements or just want to flame me in the comments, please feel free.
First up is something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, so I want to write this one while it’s fresh in my mind…
From my time on this earth and the relationships I’ve built and lost, I’ve come to realize that most people build relationships with people they have things in common with, that are in many ways, like themselves.
That desire, I think, is partially built into our genes, but with the advent of the mass media and the efficiency of pop culture, we are now seeing quite possibly the largest scale of herd mentality ever known. I could go on and on about my thoughts on the sheep-like behavior of contemporary societies (and probably be wrong 
), but this article isn’t meant to be a diatribe against people that seek “commonness”. Indeed it is more meant to explore the other side and maybe gain a few supporters along the way.
To begin with, there is an almost ritual history behind each of us that supports the idea that seeking commonness is bad. As we grow up, there is no one we are more like than our families, yet once that fact actually dawns on us around the time we are teenagers, we can’t be far enough away from our families. Of course, the “commonness” is so strong in this situation that we typically don’t leave our families forever, but I know there are more than a few of you out there that despise family get togethers because of the drama that inevitably unfolds.
Once we are in full blown rebel mode, our friends become all that matter, but who are these people? Almost always, they are the people that we see most like ourselves or that either do the things we do or the things we want to do. Years go by and we become more and more like these people until the group as a whole becomes the individual. Act out of the character you cornered yourself into, and you threaten the group. As we get a little older, this restriction on our personalities becomes intolerable and we drift away from the friends that at first became our family, yet ultimately became our prison.
Much like families, really good friends may not completely separate, but out of the 1-50 people you considered your BFF’s, only 1 and MAYBE 2 of them are going to play a prominent position in your life.
Why?
Because as the group grows apart, the individuals themselves grow in their own right. Since we based our relationship on “commonness”, the relationship dies when the common traits fade and the friend we thought we had “isn’t quite the same”. The 1 or 2 true friends we have, however, become even better friends because they embrace the newfound diversity between you instead of looking to replace the lost common bond.
Truthfully, we should celebrate when those we love grow to an extent that they aren’t the same (read: changed). We rob ourselves, grasping at the past, futilely trying to freeze time in place. Imagine taking the same class over and over or only doing things in life you are good at. Fortunately I excelled in school and was never exposed to the opportunity to take the same class over and over, but most people I associated with took the easiest class to pass, the ones their friends were in, or most likely, both. How boring, uninspiring and stagnating to everyone that knows you.
For many years of my life, I can admit I struggled trying to be the same me. I’m a stubborn Taurus and so many things in my life went exactly as planned, that it really helped me understand why people would want to keep things the same. It’s comfortable. It’s safe. It’s not going to let you down.
But it will ruin your life in the long run.
The vast majority of people that I see that are unhappy in life are unhappy for the one simple fact that they aren’t doing what they truly want to do or were born to do. They have no one to blame though, as they created their own leashes, but it’s never too late for any of us to change. It’s definitely not easy, but by cutting off the people that expect nothing from you, expect you not to expect anything from them, take the easy way whenever it presents itself and who associate with others in the exact same fashion, you free yourself. The hardest things in life are the most rewarding, and this is no exception.
It’s true. You are who you hang out with. Don’t get me wrong, just because I denounce chasing “the common”, doesn’t mean I don’t think you shouldn’t network with people in your industry or date people that like things you do. It just shouldn’t be the reason you feel comfortable enough to give someone else your time. I think I’ve already shown how that is a failed relationship model and in my estimate, the cause of at least half of the 50% of marriages that end in divorce within 3 years.
I’d say 3 years is about the average cycle in my life, meaning that even though deep down I’m the same person I was as a child, I change something drastic about myself every few years or so. How can two people expect to be together forever when they built their relationship on having things in common, yet there’s an obvious likelihood they won’t have those same things in common in a short 3 years? To me it’s such flawed thinking I don’t understand why it’s not more widely understood.
So what brings on this thought and where am I going with all this? As a single father, I’m extremely picky about who I bring around my kids, especially women since it’s my job to teach my 3 daughters what to expect from a man. Bringing a range of women around them isn’t in my plans, but there is one I have strong feelings for. On the surface, we have very little in common. I’m also often completely clueless to what’s going on, and that’s a huge part of why I think I’m drawn to her.
Perhaps as a person who seeks to master himself, I am drawn to her ability to expose my weaknesses. Recently she made a comment doubting our future because of this lack of similarities. I don’t usually rebut strong accusations like that because I like to think out my responses instead of reacting to them, so I let the comment pass.
Since it’s the Holidays, we haven’t seen much of each other, so I took the time to try and figure out why that comment became a fixture in my thoughts. After contemplating our lives, I began to notice some things started to make sense. It’s true, we don’t have much in common, but what we do have is a deep mutual care for each other (a necessary foundation of any relationship imo, though not sufficient enough on its own). The harder part to uncover however, was that we have similar dreams and hurdles we need to pass. Our pasts may not be that similar, but our futures surely will be in many ways.
It can be argued that having similar hurdles to pass requires having a common past and so my point is moot, but I disagree. There are a thousand ways you can grow up without a dad, get molested or abused, or hang out with the wrong crowd, etc. Again, maybe these issues are necessary to having similar dreams, but they are by no means sufficient on their own. Though we have a few similarities in our past, like a common taste in music and much of our lifestyle, she is right, we are completely different people. We almost couldn’t be more different.
To me, this is the glue of any relationship we may have in the future, not the doom of it.
Having a long list of things in common may be great for now, or if you are only interested in a 2-3 year relationship, but it’s not what keeps people together over the long haul. What keeps people together, happy and supportive of each other, is when they are moving in the same forward direction in life. I don’t mean this in the sense they both take photography classes together (though the right common hobby can keep people satisfied for years) and do everything together, I mean that they are both moving towards something bigger than themselves, such as raising a family, creating a foundation for a cause near to both of their hearts, possessing a mutual desire to just help the other be the best person they can be or even inspiring the other to be more honest with you than they are with themselves or anyone else.
Those types of things don’t wilt over time – actually they get stronger because when you build something mutually, you are losing more than just a mate, you are losing your ability to create the things you want to create in life. I have a family (kids), but not a day goes by where I don’t at least wonder what it would be like to have a wife AND kids. Some people will argue that this thinking is weak, but again I’d disagree.
What’s harder than giving up a part of yourself, supporting someone through everything, encouraging your partner to grow even if it means losing something in common, not allowing the word “quit” to enter your lexicon or growing in such a way each day that you make those around you want to give up their own comfort zones?
I’d dare say not much.
Many of us, myself included, hang out with people with a less than stellar integrity and character because it’s easier to give in than not, and it’s easier to hang out with people that aren’t going to give you a hard time for taking the easy route (sound like your parents?).
I know this because I live life as a friend to all, yet choose my friends wisely (again, a lesson I learned from not doing it right the first timeS). I prefer hanging out with me more than just about anyone else, but the people I do consider my very good friends force me to think differently about myself. They force change, whether they mean to or not. I’m a big fan of constructive criticism and encourage anyone that knows me to be completely frank with me. I’ve viewed my life from outside of myself for the majority of my life, so more than often I’m already aware of that which is being criticized, but even looking at ourselves from afar can’t shine light on every deficiency we have. It requires different perspectives.
Personally I’d rather not have a friend or lover if it meant restricting myself. To me, that’s not a gain, it’s a loss. I’ve been lucky to have made millions of mistakes in my life, but maintain the ability to not make the same ones repeatedly. I don’t even refer to them personally as mistakes, but for communications sake, we’ll call them that. With every mistake comes a solution for not only not making the mistake again, but how to grow from it. For instance, I’ve played the martyr in many of my romantic relationships, choosing to be with those that need help and giving up my own happiness in an effort to fix things.
As I’ve grown older however, that quality has evolved into fixing myself first (a process that admittedly will never truly end), not rushing into relationships and getting to understand a person’s motivations before ever becoming romantic and clouding the decision making process.
The solution to this problem was to work on me and learn to be happy with who I am instead of what I can do for people. The blueprint was to not rush into things and believe that if someone is important enough for you to want them in your life, there is no hurry. The growth was in the pudding, as I have taken more than two years off from relationships and still find myself in no hurry to get into one, at least not for the wrong reasons as usual.
The important thing is finding someone else, not who enjoys watching football, listening to a specific music or having the same hobby, but who has a common direction in life. Ironically, those things are the ones you shouldn’t have in common. They are in a sense, our lowest common denominators. The things people can see from across the room and think “I like that guy” because he’s a Colts fan, drinks Vodka Tonics or wears the type of clothes you like.
Commonalities are much like judging a book by its cover. Not only do they not truly reflect what that person is about, what happens when the cover is torn off? How do you define that person then?
I’ve been on both sides of this dilemma several times, again, thankfully because it’s allowed me to not be the old me. Even yesterday’s me is less than the one I am right now. Screw that guy 
When I was younger, I was more often than not, rigid in my growth and probably bored some relationships out of my life. Now I’m on the other side of the fence, consistently outgrowing most of the people I come in contact with and being less than enthused with what they have to teach me in life (though I admit everyone has something to teach, but like anything else in life, you can’t wait around forever). Those few individuals that keep pace in their growth are the true gems of the world to me. Preferably, they are growing in different ways, as well, expanding their value even further.
Strangely, most of my “inner circle” are Tauruses. Strange for one, that unyielding Tauruses could congregate so much, but strange even more when put in context of this article. You’d think by my tone I’d only allow one of each type of person in my group, but I don’t believe that at all. The truth is that to me, Tauruses are highly dedicated, caring and driven people. Though I value those qualities so much (probably because they are my best qualities), they are necessary ones, but insufficient on their own. What makes these people so important to me is what they DO with those qualities.
One is a paramedic (a field I would NEVER get into 
) and another is a top-level mortgage officer (another field I wouldn’t get into…where’s the creativity????). My grandfather, possibly my biggest hero in life, was also a Taurus, born the day after me. My “field” is marketing, but more accurately it’s personal development. Though I’m no longer the martyr I used to be, it’s still important to me to inspire others into greater futures.
What these people all have in common is not the stubbornness that others see on the surface, but the care and drive to make other peoples’ lives better. My grandfather moved his family to America to give them a better life even though it would take years of blood and sweat to get to that point. The paramedic is completely passionate about medical techniques that will save or improve the lives of others. The mortgage officer moved up the ranks all the way to top dog in a very short period of time because of his dedication to being sincere and understanding how to connect with people and earn their trust. I don’t share their interests, but our end goals are the same.
I have other friends, but they aren’t people I need in my life. Some I go to concerts with, some I play ball with or listen to music, some I discuss business ideas with, and still others I take trips with or enjoy a beer with. Those commonalities are comfortable, but as I get older, I’ve grown comfortable with the thought of doing all those things (and more) on my own and letting go of those that don’t expect far more from me, or at least inspire me to expect far more from them. Sadly, they are expendable, though I’ll give my time to anyone that sincerely wants it. Time is our most valuable resource we have in life, so I don’t regret living that way.
My time is important (though no more than anyone else’s) and the smart thing to do is to treat it as such. Why fill your life with fragments when you can build foundations? To me, having a friend or dating a woman because they have the same interests in life as me would be adding another fragment. My interests continually change and if theirs didn’t, I’d become annoying to them or tire of them.
It’s better to find the person you have nothing in common with except the most important things in life, like where they are headed and how they plan on getting there. The person that wants to get to that same position is the right person for you, not the one that everyone else marvels over the amount of things you have in common.
I may never get the chance to be with this certain person, but you can believe that if the topic of not having anything in common comes up again, I’ll be well prepared to answer the question thoroughly. Both of our lives need some work, but I see massive potential in each of us and have a calm knowing of what she wants in life despite the words she so deftly utters to mask her true persona, reinforcing her defenses. I truly think she wants the things I can give her but won’t let admitting it get in the way, though to me, her presence is her admission.
I love analyzing and getting to the bottom of things, but I know it takes time and the best way is to not force things. If she’s moving in the same direction as me, it will become apparent. Until then, I’ll keep hanging out with myself and a small group of others because they (we?) are moving in the same direction as I am even if were to dislike the games or music they play or how their tastes have matured, etc.
The best relationships are mutually beneficial, ones you don’t have to agree with much the other does, but you support sincerely anyway. That type of relationship doesn’t stop working. It’s built on shifting sands and it’s strength lies in its lack of solidity. The more flexible and tolerant we are as people, the better and harder to mold we become.
Relationships aren’t about control, yet the more things in common you have with others, the more control they have over you. The more predictable you become or you are expected to behave. You can’t display more potential than the other person because they’ll feel slighted that you aren’t “the same” anymore. They somehow “don’t even know you anymore”. I have a feeling that if you’ve ever said that to someone, you never truly knew them in the first place.
Humans tend to get comfortable in their routines, severely limiting the amount of stimulation they get out of life, but we are hard wired to gain stimulation from newness and unique experiences. Our firsts in life are the most thrilling moments of our lives and remain stained in our memories forever. A life or relationship that ceases to have firsts is one destined to be unsatisfying for those living it.
Life is also about adaptation and evolving, but a life of commonness doesn’t lend itself well to learning new things. Without learning, there is no growth. Without growth, only a slow, dull death. Relationships become obligations. Life uneventful.
One sure way to increase the level of happiness in your life is to choose your relationships more carefully. Instead of thinking about what you want right now, figure out what you are working towards in life and find people with common goals. When you fill your life with people that have similar goals in life as you do, you will find that you benefit each other greatly and that is all you need to have in common. They say the beauty of life is in the journey, not the destination. I agree, but would add that the things we don’t have in common make that journey even more beautiful. By keeping an open mind, you may even find some new interests you had no idea about and further enrich your life.
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